Rage, Rage, Go Away

I'm getting tired. I'm so tired of him, them, me.

I just want it to be over.

That sounds familiar. Haven't I always just wanted it to be over?

My anger has been getting the best of me. Not completely, not always, but more and more lately. I'm not sure why. Time of year maybe? ha - time of month? No, that would belittle it. Not time of month but maybe time of year. I think summertime has always been the hardest.... I think...

I saw my therapist almost two weeks ago. I have avoided thinking of this for two weeks. I also haven't slept well for two weeks and have been incredibly snappy. At everyone.

My dreams have been keeping me from sleep. I haven't dreamt about him, everything but him actually. Work, the kids, Jeff's ex-girlfriend, cake.... random.

Been restless. I feel better when I work out. But if I can't, i feel enraged. I felt it tonight. There wasn't any reason for it. Jeff did nothing wrong. If anything he was being thoughtful. I didn't care. But I didn't lash out as much as I wanted to. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kick a hole in the wall and rip the curtains down. I wanted to hear something break, see it shatter... I wanted to feel better.

I can still feel it. My anger. It's down there, bubbling, waiting, bubbling, waiting....

I purposely did not call my kids tonight. Because I feel so much anger.

Two weeks ago on a Sunday, walking to church with Jeff and the kids, I felt this rage. I recognize it. I can see it coming and sometimes I can avoid it, like a guy on the street that looks like he might want to rip you off. hurt you. slap you in the head and take your purse and run. If you turn in a different direction, maybe that guy will go after someone else. But lately, I have not been able to avoid him. He walks right up to me and pushes as hard as he can.

"Do you see me? I know you can see me." push, push, shove. "you think you can ignore me? you think you can make me go away?" Slap, shove, kick. "well guess what you little bitch, you can't. you hear me? YOU. CAN'T."

And he's right. I can't.

I can feel him, running through my veins, faster and faster, until I'm afraid to look down at my arms because I think i will be able to see it moving and this will just scare the shit out of me. It's bad enough that I can feel him, that I can hear him, I don't want to see him moving in me.

Where was I? Ah, yes. We were walking to church. It was nothing really, what set me off. You see, our church was collecting food for the food bank. I had a bag and I was taking it inside. Halfway there, Jeff turns to me and says he thinks we're supposed to drop the food off in the parking area. Rational Shables thinks, no biggie. I'll take it back to the car. Rational Shables even thinks, I'm pretty sure that's not right but I'll still take it back to the car. They wait for me while I go.
On my way back to the car, Rational Shables leaves and Rage comes in.
I pass a guy on my way, also carrying a bag of food. I notice and I think to myself, Jeff's going to see him too and he's going to know he was wrong.
My Rage smiles.
I keep walking. Within seconds my cell phone rings. It is Jeff. I know why he's calling. I don't want to answer. I'm almost to the car. I answer anyway and sure enough, he saw the guy with the bag. No worries I say, I'm already here. I put the bag in the car and walk back.

There is now a war going on inside me.

Rational Shables has come back. She's speaking very calmly, very rationally, about the situation. There's nothing to be upset about. It's so minor, it's almost laughable. Really. Let it go and enjoy the day. Your family is waiting for you.

Rage won't have it. It's reverse psychology with Rage. he's impersonating Rational but doing a piss poor job of it. Still. it works. Yeah, what are you mad about you freakin idiot? Your husband is trying to be helpful and you're freaking out. Pretty standard for you eh Shabes? You've always been like this. Making a big deal about everything. You suck you know that? You suck. And one of these days He's going to see it, just like that last one did. And then what? You'll be alone again. Like you should be. No one can love you. You ruin everything.

I am walking in front of Jeff and the kids. I am in the middle of a war. And I am losing.

Inside. Up the stairs. One, then two, and three. Kiss, kiss, bye, have fun. Walking down the aisle, to our seats, purse down, sing, clap, sit. Breathe. focus. But I can't. Rage has come over me and I am shaking. Rage and Rational are both speaking to me and I can't think. I want to cry, I want to make it stop.
Instead I say to Jeff, "I am so mad at you right now."
The look on his face kills me. It does. It kills me. I am such a horrible wife. He looks like I slapped him. The hurt I made him feel is reflected all over his face and now I can feel it too and I just can't process it. The Rage intensifies because now I am so furious at myself.

I want to push him off the balcony.

I want to throw myself over.
Of course I do neither. After all, it is church. jeez. get a grip.

And then I do.

The Rage leaves. God is there and even though I feel like the cruelest, most insane person in the room, I can feel God next to me. I grab Jeff's hand. He looks at me and smiles. I feel horrible again but not in the way that makes me want to hurt, but in the way that makes me want to make it better. When service is over I tell him I am so sorry.
And then he apologizes to me. what? why? because that's the kind of guy he is.
I wanted to cry. Again. Instead I tell him he did nothing, nothing. It was all me.
I'm forgiven.

Grace extended is the most amazing feeling in the world. It makes you want to lay down and weep but also jump up and shout with joy, with victory, because there is no guilt in grace. It is a gift of freedom. You have been let off the hook for being an ass-jack. It's just beautiful.

I tell my therapist.

She does not look surprised. Apparently it is typical for those that have been abused. Fabulous.

But actually, it kind of is. It used to be so much worse.

"Have you ever been a cutter?" No, I was never a cutter. I had never heard of cutting when I was a teenager. Maybe if I had I would have been. No, not a cutter. I was a hitter. I would hit others but so often, I would wail on myself. It almost seems funny, in a hysterical sort of way, I mean, who hits themselves? But I did.

Rage would come and i had no where to put it. Drugs didn't help like I thought they would. Sex, well, sex would be ok if I didn't have such contempt for boys. God, I thought they were so stupid. I smoked cigarettes. that would help sometimes but usually after I hit.

Rage. I would grab my face and pinch and pull, and claw at it. I'd take my fist and smash it into my face. I'd pound my head into the wall as hard as I could. I'd grab my own hair and try to rip it out.

And I would scream. and scream. and scream. Until there was nothing left.

I would wish I was dead.

And then I would wish he was.

I'd picture his funeral. His grave. everyone standing around crying, mourning, clutching each other for support.
Everyone except me.
I would stand there, off to the side, alone, leaning on no one. I'd stare at them all. I wouldn't shed one tear. I would be the pillar of strength and they would be crushed under me. They wouldn't be able to look me in the eye, not one. Because they would know they are wrong.

This is what I would daydream. And it would make me feel better.

And then I'd go smoke.

I haven't done that to myself for a very long time. But I've wanted to.

It's incredible to me - where God meets us. where He comforts us. Right in the middle of our slimy, dirty, degradable, shit. At the exact moment I feel I may go crazy, He is there.

I used to wonder why He let it happen at all. then i realized one day how stupid that question is.

It would be easier I guess to blame God. To say he could have stopped it because i guess, technically, he could have. He could have struck him dead or miraculously put s force field around me or called down from heaven in a deep voice or.....or..... or.....

But that's not the way it works.
The only ones that I can blame are the ones that chose to do it....

....... and the ones that chose to do nothing to stop it.

Their jacked up choices, their sick desires, that's what put me here. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves. Everyone will be accountable for what they did or didn't do. We will stand alone.

and that's when I'll be vindicated. When no one is there to protect him, when no one can shield him, when he's alone and on his knee, trembling and terrified. That's when I'll be vindicated. It is a horrible thing, to fall in the hands of the Living God. And it will be horrible for him.
God is the mirror.
Everything he should be, will be reflected. And then he will see everything he is not.
All of those emotions i wish he felt now, he'll feel then.

And he won't be able to stand.

Until then, my anger, my Rage, it will still come. But I'm hoping, I'm praying, fewer and farther between. I've already come so far. The mountains are behind me now. In front, these are just hills. I can do those. I can.

With God's help, and my family's patience, I will get there.

Rage tells me this is impossible. It will never happen, peace, it will never come.

I'm telling Rage to shut up. To stick it. To go away. I'm not playing this game anymore. I know who Rage is and I know what he wants. To rob me of my life, my joy. To kill me and my sanity. To steal away my family and my love. To make me blame God so I'll hate Him too.

Rage - he's a liar. A good one, the best even. But I'm not believing him anymore.

I know who wins.

darkness......and Light

It's been weeks since I had my "man - part 1" breakdown. I keep thinking to myself, with an intro like that, what the hell am I going to write in Part 2? The answer is, I don't know yet. I've gotten glimpses, little whispers of words, but no complete thoughts yet. Not on that subject anyway. So for now, Man part 2 is on hold. I'll write about that when I'm ready. I've got other things on my mind.

Things like trust, and hope, and faith, and love. Just writing those words seem to shine a light on a blog that is very dark. I like the light. Have you ever noticed how light can kick the shit out of darkness without even trying? The light doesn't need to sneak up on darkness. It doesn't have to strategize, plot or plan. It doesn't have to arm itself. The only thing light has to do is......well, show up. Walk into a dark room and flip a switch. Watch the darkness run. It can't scoot into a corner to catch a breather. The darkness can't hold up it's smoky finger and call time out. When the light comes all the darkness can do is leave. Good riddance.

i lived in the darkness for a long time. Not physical darkness of course. I haven't resided in a hole somewhere, but the darkness in my heart, in my soul, in my mouth; it consumed all of me. I have to be honest and say that for a very long time, I was comfortable in the darkness. Shit, let's not play games Shables - I loved it there. All the anger, bitterness, jealousy, and hate ... it was my fuel and gave me the strength to survive things that most people wouldn't want to wake up to. But to me death seemed so, so, so weak.
I tried it once, the whole suicide thing. Swallowed a bottle of pills and locked the door. About the time my legs grew shaky and my eyelids drooped is when the door opened. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at suicide and all I got for my troubles was a stomach pumping that left me feeling like i had puked up my asshole and a bunch of cops in my face. I'll pass.
Not only that, if I died, who would remind them? Who would be the one to point the finger? Who would stand up and say, yes that really happened? Dying would give him exactly what he wanted - peace. And I sure as hell wasn't willing to see that happen. No way. Until he takes his last breath, I will be in his face, in their faces, and I will not back down.

It has taken me along time to realize that I can stand up for myself without destroying myself at the same time. Because let's face it - he continued living his life with his family right there with him. I was the one that stood alone. So it was my choice. Would i stand alone in the damp darkness of my mind and rot from the inside out or would i walk into the sun?

The sun beckoned.

And who can argue with such a force? I couldn't and I didn't want to.

I was cold and I wanted warmth. I was lost and I wanted a home. I was lonely and I wanted to be loved. I was scared and broken and I wanted to be safe and complete. I wanted light to shine on my face. I wanted laughter to flow from my mouth. I. Wanted. Freedom.
Freedom may seem odd but to someone that has been held captive by memories and fear, freedom is like water to a plant that has wilted from scorching heat and neglect. It soothes the soul and perks up the spirit. It gives us a fighting chance. Because no matter how great our life looks from the outside. It's a joke if we are still in bondage. And I was. for so very long.

Breaking free is similar, I think, to what it would feel like to peel your own skin off. The first layer, the protective shell, well that takes guts to tear it off. And tear it off you must. There's no such thing as gently peeling away this kind of crap. It takes tugging, and cuts, and snags, and sometimes even a ripping so hard and so brutal that a scream will erupt from your throat from the agony. But now the protection is off,we're shivering, and holy shit, we're exposed.

Fear is next. fear. The fear of telling. The fear of rejection. The fear even of being happy because you have no idea what that feels like. You've seen it. But you've also seen foreign movies and guess what,that doesn't mean you can speak the language. Fear. It is your enemy, but it has also been your friend. It has told you when to hide, when to run, when to stop crying, and when to yell out. But fear is just fear. It doesn't know any other way, so it has to go. Peel it off.
Once the fear is gone, there is some liberation here. It's almost intoxicating when you realize you've survived and the word "victim" isn't stamped on your forehead anymore. That came off when fear was pulled away. But fear's big brother is here now. And he's a mean SOB. His name is ANGER.

Anger is the house guest that turns into your roommate and before you know it, your landlord. Instead of you inviting Anger in for awhile, now you owe him and he's laying down the law. There will be no more shit-taking when Anger is around. Anyone that oversteps their bounds, says the wrong thing, or, God forbid, looks at you the wrong way, is going to get the crap kicked out of them pretty quick. And at first, this feels so incredibly satisfying. Who can blame you right? Look what your life has been. All you are doing is taking care of yourself. And this is true....to an extent. You see, Anger doesn't come to stay all by himself. Nope, he doesn't travel alone. He's a pack man. Along with Anger comes Pride and Bitterness. You've really got to watch these two. They've got the good-cop/ bad-cop act down. But it's a scam. Neither of these are good. They will tie you up worse than fear if yo udon't get rid of them.
You see, once we've taken off that protective layer and done away with fear, the anger flows through and we are so damn excited that we aren't being abused anymore, that we are handling our business, that we become full of Pride. Pride tells us we can do anything. Pride tells us we are entitled to do anything. And if anyone tells Pride no, Bitterness steps in and puts that person in check with a quickness. bitterness brings up all the bad things that happened and makes everyone see how stupid and wrong they are for getting in your way. The only catch though is that for Bitterness to get your back, you have to be willing to let him eat up some of your heart. This may not seem like such a bad deal. But here's the thing - our hearts pump our life's blood in and our of our body. So when we let Bitterness come in and eat some of it, well, we are choking out our own life. We are basically killing ourselves. Yep, Bitterness is a mean bitch.

Getting rid of Anger, Pride, and Bitterness is only hard in the beginning. It's those first steps that hurt. Granted, they can hurt so bad it would seem easier to rip out our own intestines and strangle ourselves with them but if you can make it past that, it'll be alright. You see they can only feed on us if we let them. Once we make the step to cut them off, they are done for. Sure, they put up a fight at first but it's only because they know the battle is lost.

What's needed to kick out Anger, Pride, and Bitterness?

Forgiveness. Know what forgiveness is? Letting someone else off the hook for your happiness. Stop waiting for them to apologize. they aren't going to do it. Stop waiting for an apology to make you whole and happy. It won't anyway. It won't be enough. It's not enough. so let it go. Let them off the hook and quit holding yourself hostage to them. Period.

Cry. Our bodies are designed to cry.When we hurt or feel sad, tears come naturally. We don't wish for them or work at it. It just happens. Let them flow. So many times we blink them back. Forcefully. Angrily. Why? Well I know why. Because we think it makes us weak. We think it lets them win. That's what I've thought and still do sometimes. In my head. But in my heart, I know that isn't true. When I hold in my tears, I choke off all the emotions that want to be free. When we eat something bad, our body expels the offensive crap by hurling it up. This works the same way. When we've swallowed an injustice or hurt, our body is expelling the badness in it. Cry. Weep. Wail. Throw your self on the bed. Scream in pillows. Stand in the shower and let them roll down your face. no one will know. If you're a complete control freak, prepare yourself and set the mood. Candles, melancholy music, a locked door to avoid interruption, and a box of kleenex. Just get it out. It wants to be free. Let it.

Joy. Joy and happiness are not the same. Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy is based on truth, faith, love. Even when our circumstances are bad, we can still feel joyful inside because we have hope. We can watch the orange, pinks, and reds of a sunset, or walk through a field of blooming flowers, or sit on a swing and listen to children laugh and feel overwhelmed with joy. The hope that is all around us, that everything is going to be ok and that we are NOT the center of the universe. Thank God! There's more going on than the horrors I have inside. Feel it. smell it. See it. It's all there for the taking. To make our souls light. Joy.

This is not to say, there won't be moments when it comes back, when it gets dark. It will. But the darkness cannot overcome the light. ever. Just flip the light on. And watch the darkness run.