Firecrackers and scars

It's been months. What can i say? There has been so much to write and yet, the words would not come. My thoughts - broken. I just feel like i can't get it together. I still do really. That hasn't changed. What has changed is that i am feeling so urged - so pushed - to write. So here i am, cross-legged in my bed, laptop perched on my lap, fingers flying. The way i figure it, the words will just come.

Waiting.

I'm not really sure where i want this blog to go. yes, i can continue to write so much about THAT but........... I feel like that road is blocked right now. A big "X" with flashing lights and a railroad crossing. Which way to go?

Waiting.


Ahhh. This way. (deep breath)

A few months ago, maybe 4, 5, 6..... my best friend and i broke up for a time. It was one of toughest things i have had to endure for awhile. There was just too much... with her, with me, trying to grow together... words misunderstood, intentions lost, it was horrible. So we stopped talking for a bit. To breathe. To see. Sometimes when we are right in the middle of something, we can't see at all. That one GIANT thing is right in front of our eyeballs, blocking the view to everything else.. and that's about the time the not being able to breathe thing starts to happen. A sort of panic sets in and you can feel yourself twisting and turning each way, trying to get a glimpse of light, an out, and all the while it is only getting worse. This is what happened.
So we broke up.
I have to say that BF break ups are far worse than any man break up - EVER. If you have ever had one, you know what i mean. It is heart-wrenching. Truly it is your best friend that holds your heart in their hand. They know it all. We've given them it all - the good, the horrible, the shameful, the hopeful, the fears, the love..... Best friends stand by you anyway, even when you act like an assjack. They cheer you on, laugh at your idiocy, and cry with you when they know the world has let you down. Then they feed you when laughing and crying isn't helping anymore. This is true. It is in the Best Friend handbook.

So yeah - it was hard. I cried. A lot.
I questioned things about myself. Maybe i wasn't a very good friend. Maybe i said things without thinking. This wouldn't be too shocking. I do have a very big mouth. I am not very sensitive. I have tried to get better since then.....
The toughest thing? I don't really know how to fight. You see, to me, when there is a major disagreement and "I'm sorry" just isn't cutting it......well, i just cut it off. It hasn't been my experience that there can be a disagreement, especially a very big one, and then things will get better. To me, for me, it was the cue to walk away. To keep moving. To let go and not look back.
And this is what i did. I let go.
As soon as i did it, i knew i was wrong. I knew that i did not want it. However, i didn't know how to fix it or take it back.
That's the crazy thing about words - they are like firecrackers. They shoot off into the direction you pointed, setting off little explosions along the way. Mostly they are very pretty. But every once in a while, you get a dud. One that goes a little ... off course, it's full of smoke and you can't do anything about where it's going except watch, and it just spreads in a different direction. Spreading. And then at the end - pop. Not always the loudest. Or the brightest. But somehow, still the most noticeable. It's not fun. There is no hand-clapping. It's a disaster. No matter how many firecrackers are shot after that, full of beautiful colors and shapes, even happy heart ones, that dud - it remains. It will always be there.

She pointed out to me my tendency to walk away. To give up. I never really thought of it as giving up. That sounds so weak and petty. I always looked at it as self-preservation. A much nobler term.
Ah, perception. Our messed up, jacked up, one-sided perceptions.
They really bite us in the buttocks.
I was offended when she said this to me. I felt a little pissed-offness. As she cried and told me i was throwing her out like trash, i closed my heart. You see, I was keeping score of who was the most wrong. Accepting what she said as true would definitely put me in the lead. I had no desire to lead this race. I shut down and slammed the door.
It didn't last long. Got me through the day but my insides squirmed and struggled every time i thought of her and what happened. It was uncomfortable. Nauseating. I didn't like it at all.

It was through this though, that led me to do one of the craziest things i have done in a really long time. I decided to look up some of my family. I was not going to be what she said i was. I wanted her to be wrong.

And if she was right, I wanted to be different.

Facebook is a crazy thing. Some have a love/ hate relationship with it. Overall i just love it. It keeps me in touch and i don't feel rude about being busy. Aren't we all?
So here i am, all alone one night.
Just me and my thoughts of inadequacy. And a computer.
This may drive some people to drink. Not me - no, self examination is always in order.

Scalpel - check. Suction - check. Anesthesia - um no sorry. We don't give that for self-exams. It is a requirement to feel every ounce of pain there is. It is necessary, yes vital, to recovery.

Fabulous.

There i sat, staring at the "search" field. Breathing. Hard.
I typed in the first name. Nothing.
Second name. 500 or more listings. Yeah. Right. Pass. I'm surprised I'm doing this in the first place. Search through 500 people? I don't think so.
I sat and thought and suddenly, two names popped into my head. My cousins. Both a few years younger than me. Bam. Found them both on the first try.
Now what? Ah yes - snoop. Scope out the enemy. Thank goodness they aren't worried about privacy and any freak can check out their page. This time the freak was me and i checked it thoroughly. Who else was on there? Anyone i would want to avoid?
I felt anxiety creeping up on me.
Would they even know who i am?
Would they remember anything?
Do i want them to see my pictures, my family?
And the biggest question - would they tell him? Would they show him?
I closed my eyes and prayed.
Nothing fancy. Nothing profound. Nothing earth shattering.
Just, "God, please help me. Is this right?"

I quickly typed out a message and hit send - with a friend request.

I received both messages back with friend acceptances within the hour. I read them and it was well...................very anti-climatic.
Nothing crazy. No accusations or questions. In fact, they were happy to hear from me, to "see" me. It was so, so, so....... normal. This almost freaked me out even more. How could it be so normal? Do they even know? Don't they care? Do they talk about me? Is it like it never happened???? All of these questions - spinning, spinning, out of my head, out of the universe, out of control .... until God spoke to me.
"Stop. Stop it now."

So i did. I stopped. I accepted it for what it is.
What is it exactly?
It's me. Being normal. It's me - not punishing the entire world for what one person did. It's me - wrapping duct tape around a tree branch that was thrown to the ground to rot and be hidden among weeds a long time ago. It's me - finding some freedom in the last place i thought it would be.

I've received other requests since then that i have not accepted. I am ok with that. I am healing. I am mending. In doing that, it doesn't mean i jump into the ocean with my eyes closed wearing a seal suit and hope i don't get eaten by a shark. No, I don't have to give anyone the opportunity to hurt me and make me bleed.
Instead, i can wade in, at my own pace, to the depths that are comfortable. I can choose to keep going, to stay where i am, and even to walk backwards a bit to the shore if the water is looking a little too unfriendly for me.

It is my choice. But i have to say, God does have a funny way of working things out. Of taking broken glass and super gluing pieces back together, one at a time. Perhaps it won't be the huge vase it was before. Maybe now it will be something else. A candle holder instead. But out of ashes, something beautiful always happens if we get out of the way and let it. That's what God does. He is in the beauty-ash restoring business.

This also happened with my bestest friend. We cried and we laughed and honestly? I think that is the glue that put us back together. Glue made from tears and laughter, wrapped in honesty and love is the best glue in the world.

I went into surgery.
God started cutting away the scar tissue. That tough stuff that builds up and doesn't do anyone any good anymore. It bled a little, it hurt like hell. That was all suctioned out though.
I needed to feel all the pain.
Sometimes anesthesia does more harm than good. The pain is what lets us know how much we really care, how fully we really love, and it motivates us to change, to make it better, to repent and go in the opposite direction.

Pain reminds us that we are alive. And that we are not meant to be alone.