darkness......and Light

It's been weeks since I had my "man - part 1" breakdown. I keep thinking to myself, with an intro like that, what the hell am I going to write in Part 2? The answer is, I don't know yet. I've gotten glimpses, little whispers of words, but no complete thoughts yet. Not on that subject anyway. So for now, Man part 2 is on hold. I'll write about that when I'm ready. I've got other things on my mind.

Things like trust, and hope, and faith, and love. Just writing those words seem to shine a light on a blog that is very dark. I like the light. Have you ever noticed how light can kick the shit out of darkness without even trying? The light doesn't need to sneak up on darkness. It doesn't have to strategize, plot or plan. It doesn't have to arm itself. The only thing light has to do is......well, show up. Walk into a dark room and flip a switch. Watch the darkness run. It can't scoot into a corner to catch a breather. The darkness can't hold up it's smoky finger and call time out. When the light comes all the darkness can do is leave. Good riddance.

i lived in the darkness for a long time. Not physical darkness of course. I haven't resided in a hole somewhere, but the darkness in my heart, in my soul, in my mouth; it consumed all of me. I have to be honest and say that for a very long time, I was comfortable in the darkness. Shit, let's not play games Shables - I loved it there. All the anger, bitterness, jealousy, and hate ... it was my fuel and gave me the strength to survive things that most people wouldn't want to wake up to. But to me death seemed so, so, so weak.
I tried it once, the whole suicide thing. Swallowed a bottle of pills and locked the door. About the time my legs grew shaky and my eyelids drooped is when the door opened. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at suicide and all I got for my troubles was a stomach pumping that left me feeling like i had puked up my asshole and a bunch of cops in my face. I'll pass.
Not only that, if I died, who would remind them? Who would be the one to point the finger? Who would stand up and say, yes that really happened? Dying would give him exactly what he wanted - peace. And I sure as hell wasn't willing to see that happen. No way. Until he takes his last breath, I will be in his face, in their faces, and I will not back down.

It has taken me along time to realize that I can stand up for myself without destroying myself at the same time. Because let's face it - he continued living his life with his family right there with him. I was the one that stood alone. So it was my choice. Would i stand alone in the damp darkness of my mind and rot from the inside out or would i walk into the sun?

The sun beckoned.

And who can argue with such a force? I couldn't and I didn't want to.

I was cold and I wanted warmth. I was lost and I wanted a home. I was lonely and I wanted to be loved. I was scared and broken and I wanted to be safe and complete. I wanted light to shine on my face. I wanted laughter to flow from my mouth. I. Wanted. Freedom.
Freedom may seem odd but to someone that has been held captive by memories and fear, freedom is like water to a plant that has wilted from scorching heat and neglect. It soothes the soul and perks up the spirit. It gives us a fighting chance. Because no matter how great our life looks from the outside. It's a joke if we are still in bondage. And I was. for so very long.

Breaking free is similar, I think, to what it would feel like to peel your own skin off. The first layer, the protective shell, well that takes guts to tear it off. And tear it off you must. There's no such thing as gently peeling away this kind of crap. It takes tugging, and cuts, and snags, and sometimes even a ripping so hard and so brutal that a scream will erupt from your throat from the agony. But now the protection is off,we're shivering, and holy shit, we're exposed.

Fear is next. fear. The fear of telling. The fear of rejection. The fear even of being happy because you have no idea what that feels like. You've seen it. But you've also seen foreign movies and guess what,that doesn't mean you can speak the language. Fear. It is your enemy, but it has also been your friend. It has told you when to hide, when to run, when to stop crying, and when to yell out. But fear is just fear. It doesn't know any other way, so it has to go. Peel it off.
Once the fear is gone, there is some liberation here. It's almost intoxicating when you realize you've survived and the word "victim" isn't stamped on your forehead anymore. That came off when fear was pulled away. But fear's big brother is here now. And he's a mean SOB. His name is ANGER.

Anger is the house guest that turns into your roommate and before you know it, your landlord. Instead of you inviting Anger in for awhile, now you owe him and he's laying down the law. There will be no more shit-taking when Anger is around. Anyone that oversteps their bounds, says the wrong thing, or, God forbid, looks at you the wrong way, is going to get the crap kicked out of them pretty quick. And at first, this feels so incredibly satisfying. Who can blame you right? Look what your life has been. All you are doing is taking care of yourself. And this is true....to an extent. You see, Anger doesn't come to stay all by himself. Nope, he doesn't travel alone. He's a pack man. Along with Anger comes Pride and Bitterness. You've really got to watch these two. They've got the good-cop/ bad-cop act down. But it's a scam. Neither of these are good. They will tie you up worse than fear if yo udon't get rid of them.
You see, once we've taken off that protective layer and done away with fear, the anger flows through and we are so damn excited that we aren't being abused anymore, that we are handling our business, that we become full of Pride. Pride tells us we can do anything. Pride tells us we are entitled to do anything. And if anyone tells Pride no, Bitterness steps in and puts that person in check with a quickness. bitterness brings up all the bad things that happened and makes everyone see how stupid and wrong they are for getting in your way. The only catch though is that for Bitterness to get your back, you have to be willing to let him eat up some of your heart. This may not seem like such a bad deal. But here's the thing - our hearts pump our life's blood in and our of our body. So when we let Bitterness come in and eat some of it, well, we are choking out our own life. We are basically killing ourselves. Yep, Bitterness is a mean bitch.

Getting rid of Anger, Pride, and Bitterness is only hard in the beginning. It's those first steps that hurt. Granted, they can hurt so bad it would seem easier to rip out our own intestines and strangle ourselves with them but if you can make it past that, it'll be alright. You see they can only feed on us if we let them. Once we make the step to cut them off, they are done for. Sure, they put up a fight at first but it's only because they know the battle is lost.

What's needed to kick out Anger, Pride, and Bitterness?

Forgiveness. Know what forgiveness is? Letting someone else off the hook for your happiness. Stop waiting for them to apologize. they aren't going to do it. Stop waiting for an apology to make you whole and happy. It won't anyway. It won't be enough. It's not enough. so let it go. Let them off the hook and quit holding yourself hostage to them. Period.

Cry. Our bodies are designed to cry.When we hurt or feel sad, tears come naturally. We don't wish for them or work at it. It just happens. Let them flow. So many times we blink them back. Forcefully. Angrily. Why? Well I know why. Because we think it makes us weak. We think it lets them win. That's what I've thought and still do sometimes. In my head. But in my heart, I know that isn't true. When I hold in my tears, I choke off all the emotions that want to be free. When we eat something bad, our body expels the offensive crap by hurling it up. This works the same way. When we've swallowed an injustice or hurt, our body is expelling the badness in it. Cry. Weep. Wail. Throw your self on the bed. Scream in pillows. Stand in the shower and let them roll down your face. no one will know. If you're a complete control freak, prepare yourself and set the mood. Candles, melancholy music, a locked door to avoid interruption, and a box of kleenex. Just get it out. It wants to be free. Let it.

Joy. Joy and happiness are not the same. Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy is based on truth, faith, love. Even when our circumstances are bad, we can still feel joyful inside because we have hope. We can watch the orange, pinks, and reds of a sunset, or walk through a field of blooming flowers, or sit on a swing and listen to children laugh and feel overwhelmed with joy. The hope that is all around us, that everything is going to be ok and that we are NOT the center of the universe. Thank God! There's more going on than the horrors I have inside. Feel it. smell it. See it. It's all there for the taking. To make our souls light. Joy.

This is not to say, there won't be moments when it comes back, when it gets dark. It will. But the darkness cannot overcome the light. ever. Just flip the light on. And watch the darkness run.